I am BAD about keeping this up. I have been writing in my journal every day and working on my book, but I've been too busy to keep this up.
Life is going pretty good right now, though I admit that I am hesitant to say so. That whole don't jinx yourself thing, ya know. ;)
Obviously, my immediate family has disowned me...again. Not a single one told me happy birthday this year. I'm okay with it, but I wish some of them would grow up. Granted, I have some growing up to do myself, and I'm actively working on that.
I have started a 90-day life change challenge and will do something every day to enrich my life. I've let myself believe that other people are better than me instead of believing that I am worth something myself.
Who cares if not everyone in the world doesn't like me. I'm certainly not going to die over it. I'll get over it and move on. That's fine.
I've started working out again, too. I'm not fat, but too fluffy for my liking and I'll keep pushing myself until I'm where I want to be. It's all good.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Recap of the last year
I'll try to make this short and sweet and expound on my thoughts on these issues in later posts.
In August of last year, my mother in law, God bless her stupid little heart, kicked us out of "her" house that we were buying and after we saved her butt from foreclosure. That is a long, long story, with years and years of backstory, but in essence, we haven't spoken to her since.
I then divorced my husband of 16 years over his mother and the constant crap me and the kids had to deal with over the years. He kept letting it happen and I decided to leave.
At the end of September, I believe I had a nervous breakdown and spent my last thousand bucks and flew myself to Vegas where I was going to kill myself. To make matters worse, I made a video about it. And posted in on Youtube. And posted it on Facebook. And made my life a million times worse.
One month later, my oldest daughter, fifteen at the time, decided to tell me she was staying at a "friends" house and I busted her in bed with her boyfriend. After bringing her home, she decided she was leaving, and when I tried to stop her, she stabbed me in the chest causing my lung to collapse and a dramatic ten day stint at the most expensive hospital in Tennessee.
I was home for three months by myself after my release. My friends rarely called or showed up to help me. Some I never heard from again. My brothers never once called to check on me, and one of them deleted me from Facebook the day after I was stabbed. Another called me a "fucking piece of shit mother" and told me to die. Those three months were definitely the most depressing times of my life.
I reconciled with my ex-husband, and after a job offer in Montana, we decided to make a go of it and move our family to a new life.
The first month was pure bliss. We camped, we fished, our kids were making new friends, I had a great job at the gold mine with Jody. Life was finally back on track. Until I caught one of my twins, then 14 years old, in bed with another kid. A girl. And they went all the way.
I confronted my daughter, lifted up her chin to make her look at me, and told her she was never seeing that girl again. Before anybody gets out of shape, it wasn't the "gay" thing that pissed me off. It was the manipulating us into letting this girl stay the weekend, the beer cans and cigarettes we found in her room, and the hickies all over her body. Not to mention, 14 is WAY to young to have sex.
My daughter decided that this was child abuse and convinced Child Protective Services of the same, and I was arrested the next day as my children were being moved to a foster home. Yep. I started drinking heavily after that.
The charges have since been dropped against me, but I've been catching myself not getting too happy in good moments, and fully expecting it when bad moments happen.
It's been pure drama around here, and no, I'm not passing the blame off on anybody else. I know I was wrong in certain situations, but I've also had enough of it. I let myself be the scapegoat and it's done nothing for my self esteem.
I know I've had my insane moments and I've paid the price.
It's time to change.
In August of last year, my mother in law, God bless her stupid little heart, kicked us out of "her" house that we were buying and after we saved her butt from foreclosure. That is a long, long story, with years and years of backstory, but in essence, we haven't spoken to her since.
I then divorced my husband of 16 years over his mother and the constant crap me and the kids had to deal with over the years. He kept letting it happen and I decided to leave.
At the end of September, I believe I had a nervous breakdown and spent my last thousand bucks and flew myself to Vegas where I was going to kill myself. To make matters worse, I made a video about it. And posted in on Youtube. And posted it on Facebook. And made my life a million times worse.
One month later, my oldest daughter, fifteen at the time, decided to tell me she was staying at a "friends" house and I busted her in bed with her boyfriend. After bringing her home, she decided she was leaving, and when I tried to stop her, she stabbed me in the chest causing my lung to collapse and a dramatic ten day stint at the most expensive hospital in Tennessee.
I was home for three months by myself after my release. My friends rarely called or showed up to help me. Some I never heard from again. My brothers never once called to check on me, and one of them deleted me from Facebook the day after I was stabbed. Another called me a "fucking piece of shit mother" and told me to die. Those three months were definitely the most depressing times of my life.
I reconciled with my ex-husband, and after a job offer in Montana, we decided to make a go of it and move our family to a new life.
The first month was pure bliss. We camped, we fished, our kids were making new friends, I had a great job at the gold mine with Jody. Life was finally back on track. Until I caught one of my twins, then 14 years old, in bed with another kid. A girl. And they went all the way.
I confronted my daughter, lifted up her chin to make her look at me, and told her she was never seeing that girl again. Before anybody gets out of shape, it wasn't the "gay" thing that pissed me off. It was the manipulating us into letting this girl stay the weekend, the beer cans and cigarettes we found in her room, and the hickies all over her body. Not to mention, 14 is WAY to young to have sex.
My daughter decided that this was child abuse and convinced Child Protective Services of the same, and I was arrested the next day as my children were being moved to a foster home. Yep. I started drinking heavily after that.
The charges have since been dropped against me, but I've been catching myself not getting too happy in good moments, and fully expecting it when bad moments happen.
It's been pure drama around here, and no, I'm not passing the blame off on anybody else. I know I was wrong in certain situations, but I've also had enough of it. I let myself be the scapegoat and it's done nothing for my self esteem.
I know I've had my insane moments and I've paid the price.
It's time to change.
Here We Go
In honor (or despair - however you want to look at it) of me turning FORTY in precisely 355 days, I decided to start a new blog in an attempt to sort out this insane life of mine. I want to have this mess cleaned up and resembling a real life by the time I'm, well, old.
I am still a confused fifteen year old girl in my mind, so yes, forty is freaking old.
Those of you that have known me for years know the drama, drama, drama I've had in my life. Raising three teenaged girls that appear to be more confused than I ever was has been beyond a challenge. I'm still dealing with these teenagers and I still have precisely 1068 days until the last of my children are eighteen and I'm booting their butts out of the house.
I haven't kept a faithful journal over the years until last week when I turned thirty-nine. I decided that it was time to change my life and I've been writing everything down in my fancy little spiral bound notebook that I carry everywhere with me. I'm going to write every single day in my notebook. I'm determined to shed the past and work through it, but then, crazy woman that I am, I decided, "Hey! Why not put it on the internet for everyone to see!" Idiot.
But I have my reasons.
I will not post every sordid detail from my past that will expose my family to hate mail, or post their worst sins. I will, however, post those things which bother me the most with a few "edits" in there.
I have to work through this crazy life and I have to make a change. Thinking negative thoughts all these years and looking around the corner for the next worst-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me-in-my-life can't work anymore. I'm tired of looking only a few feet ahead of me. I'm ready to look beyond and finally have hope for the future.
I know I have to change my thinking. I know I have to change my thoughts of who I am. I know I can't let dumb-asses get me down. I'm also realizing that if people don't like me...buh-bye.
I've been a shit in my life, I know that, but everyone deserves forgiveness. Why should people hold a grudge against one another when everyone wants someone to forgive them? It makes no sense to me.
To make it perfectly clear, this blog is not to gain redemption or forgiveness from other people. I'm over that. This is an attempt to forgive myself and love myself for all the crap in my life. This is an attempt to see how I react to day to day junk at home, work, life, etcetera, etcetera, and fix it accordingly.
I expect setbacks, whiney posts, triumphant days, and everything in between, because that is what life is made of. But no matter what, I will go to bed every night and tell myself just how much I love me and that I deserve the good life just like everyone else does.
I can't say that I'll completely stop berating myself, but I'm going to try.
So, here we go. C'mon Beka. It's time to get it together.
I am still a confused fifteen year old girl in my mind, so yes, forty is freaking old.
Those of you that have known me for years know the drama, drama, drama I've had in my life. Raising three teenaged girls that appear to be more confused than I ever was has been beyond a challenge. I'm still dealing with these teenagers and I still have precisely 1068 days until the last of my children are eighteen and I'm booting their butts out of the house.
I haven't kept a faithful journal over the years until last week when I turned thirty-nine. I decided that it was time to change my life and I've been writing everything down in my fancy little spiral bound notebook that I carry everywhere with me. I'm going to write every single day in my notebook. I'm determined to shed the past and work through it, but then, crazy woman that I am, I decided, "Hey! Why not put it on the internet for everyone to see!" Idiot.
But I have my reasons.
I will not post every sordid detail from my past that will expose my family to hate mail, or post their worst sins. I will, however, post those things which bother me the most with a few "edits" in there.
I have to work through this crazy life and I have to make a change. Thinking negative thoughts all these years and looking around the corner for the next worst-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me-in-my-life can't work anymore. I'm tired of looking only a few feet ahead of me. I'm ready to look beyond and finally have hope for the future.
I know I have to change my thinking. I know I have to change my thoughts of who I am. I know I can't let dumb-asses get me down. I'm also realizing that if people don't like me...buh-bye.
I've been a shit in my life, I know that, but everyone deserves forgiveness. Why should people hold a grudge against one another when everyone wants someone to forgive them? It makes no sense to me.
To make it perfectly clear, this blog is not to gain redemption or forgiveness from other people. I'm over that. This is an attempt to forgive myself and love myself for all the crap in my life. This is an attempt to see how I react to day to day junk at home, work, life, etcetera, etcetera, and fix it accordingly.
I expect setbacks, whiney posts, triumphant days, and everything in between, because that is what life is made of. But no matter what, I will go to bed every night and tell myself just how much I love me and that I deserve the good life just like everyone else does.
I can't say that I'll completely stop berating myself, but I'm going to try.
So, here we go. C'mon Beka. It's time to get it together.
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